high tide sweep away the lies
by sanskrits
Summary: — she tells him the truth. it sets her free. it breaks him.
1. Chapter 1

**for the QLFC, Season 6, Round 10:**

 **prompt — CAPTAIN: Write about a character having an affair.**

 **wc (barred a/n): 2737**

 **thank you to my savior adi and the lovely ca for betaing!**

 **a/n: very AU, canon divergence (though we end up at the same spot in the end lol), all that jazz**

. . .

Lily and Severus walk into Hogwarts as best friends, and they're not going to stop any time soon. No matter what Houses they're in, they're Lily and Sev above everything else.

They share Charms, Transfiguration, and Potions classes, and naturally they're the only two of the rivalling Gryffindors and Slytherins to willingly sit with each other. It gets them some looks and narrowed eyes, but eventually everything settles down into a sort of routine and people just accept it.

Sev is good at magic. Really good. When he's working with Charms, he raises his wand and speaks with precision, sharp and graceful and awe-inspiring. He's not as good at Transfiguration, but it's a sight to behold when his brow furrows and he's concentrating, and Lily can hear him murmuring _Get this right_ softly under his breath.

Potions, though, is his strongest suit. Sev is made of magic itself when he works with a cauldron and the flames licking the bottom of it illuminate his face, when he stirs a potion with that grace he holds during Charms class, when his hook nose is bent down at his work, the utmost expression of concentration on his face — Sev is _fixated_. It's beautiful.

Lily's never been able to focus like that. She just tries to get through every assignment. She does her work and makes sure to do it well (and Slughorn takes a shine to it), but she's not devoted to her studies the way Sev is.

He mesmerizes Lily. She just wants to entrance someone like that, too.

. . .

It's third year when Lily starts dating Severus. Initially it starts as kind of a joke. Her friends — Mary mostly, but also Marlene sometimes — have started teasing her about not having a boyfriend yet, and it's not only annoying but also repetitive to have to explain to them over and over again that she has better things to do.

"It'd be easier if you had a boyfriend," Sev tells her one day, and his tone is wry and mocking, but Lily considers it.

"It would be, wouldn't it?"

Sev looks at her incredulously for even entertaining the idea. "Who would you even date?"

The answer is obvious. Sev, of course, with his focus and mesmerizing concentration, with his grace and his beautiful long hair. Sev, who would know her boundaries, Sev who —

 _Oh,_ she realizes with a sudden start. _I — I want this. I want him._

Her awe for Severus… she doesn't just feel that with anyone. No one makes her _feel_ like Severus does. And she would like to have something with him, something _real…_

She leans in and presses her lips to his. Sev is astonished for a moment, still under her touch, and then he's kissing back firmly.

. . .

When Lily and Sev go to Hogsmeade for the first time, it's on a date. He takes her to get ice cream and reluctantly tries to get them into Madam Puddifoot's, but Lily laughs and steers him back to Honeydukes. She's touched that he'd want to set foot in that kind of place for her, but they don't belong there.

"This was nice, Sev," she tells him. He's smiling, small and content, and Lily wants to keep that smile on his face for a long time — he does it so rarely.

"Yeah," he says. "It was."

She notes James Potter looking at her after, face tilted curiously. She ignores him.

. . .

The years pass by. James Potter gets taller and fitter, and Lily tries not to notice that Severus has only gotten more angry.

He's made new friends as well. Some boys from his House named Avery and Mulciber. Lily thinks it's nice that Sev's making friends in his House, but Avery's weedy and has a distinctly untrustworthy smirk, while Mulciber's reputation as one of the darker Slytherins precedes him.

Sev's hair is greasy now, and his concentration is of an angry sort, the kind that makes Lily want to grab at her own wand, and he's not the smiling boy he used to be. Lily once lived for Sev's smiles, rare but happy, and now they're gone altogether.

Lily misses it. She misses the way they used to be.

James Potter has picked up on it, somehow. He tries to get her attention, one day after Charms, asking, "Evans, no offense, but are you… happy with him? Is he — I dunno, is he hurting you?"

Lily's face burns at the insinuation, at the idea that Sev would ever do that to her. She spins on her heel, narrowly avoids cursing Potter outright, and in the end settles for telling him, in a voice that really should be firmer, that she and Sev are perfectly happy together. What does it matter to him anyway?

Lily just wants things to be the way they were — peaceful. She remembers smiles, but she doesn't see them anymore. And maybe that's the worst part of it all.

. . .

Things come to a head eventually. Lily should have seen it coming. She probably had, and, like a fool, elected to ignore it.

Sev's been hanging out with Avery and now other friends, like a boy named Mulciber, and she might've seen him skulking around Regulus Black. He doesn't talk to her anymore, and when he does, his tone is always short and acerbic. Lily feels like if she presses him too hard, he'll snap, and all the debris will fall on her.

But they have a Hogsmeade date planned tomorrow, which means that Sev still cares. Sev isn't like those heartless Slytherin boys. Sev's better, Sev understands her, he's still Severus despite it all. And he might not smile like he used to or kiss her cheek or look at her with barely concealed adoration, but people change, right? Sev's just more apathetic these days. And he's been getting less sleep, because the O.W.L. exams are coming up and workloads are heavy, not to mention stress levels…

Everything is going to be okay, she tells herself.

It's not.

Outside the library at lunch, where they usually meet after having eaten, Severus approaches her with lips thinned into one straight line.

"Lily," he starts, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel on our date."

Her heart sinks down to her stomach. Lily swallows down her nerves and feelings and asks, "Why?" because Sev has to have a reason. A good one.

"Avery and Mulciber want me to —"

"What?" Lily interrupts him. "Avery and Mulciber?" A surge of anger rushes through her: suddenly, unexpectedly, and forcefully. How dare Sev prioritize them over her — the way he's been doing for _months_ — on the one day that was supposed to be theirs? Lily doesn't know how long she's been looking forward to this, and Sev is just going to cancel on her for _Avery and Mulciber?_

"Yes," says Severus calmly, as though oblivious to the rage stirring inside her. "I'm really sorry about this, but it's rather important —"

"Oh, yes," Lily sneers, "your initiation into the Death Eaters is _very important!_ Are you dating me or Avery? Why is it always them over me? I've been looking forward to our date for who knows how long, only for you to ditch me like this? Sev, we're in a _relationship._ Sometimes you have to think of me! These are things you do!" she shouts, white-hot anger searing her words.

Now it's Sev's turn to sneer. "Lily, you're being selfish," he says. "I have to work with them, and it's —"

"Important, yes, I know." Lily scowls bitterly. "Am I the only thing not important to you? Why does it seem like you don't want me? I feel like I'm just standing on the sidelines of your life. Why are you so hellbent on forgetting me?"

"Lily, don't be unreasonable —"

"And if I try to say anything to you, it's unreasonable! I'm selfish, I'm emotional, I'm not good enough, I'm always at fault, because you can't do anything wrong, can you, Severus?"

"It's just that you're a Mudblood —"

Severus catches himself before he can say any more, but the damage is done.

"Mudblood," Lily repeats, laughing scornfully. "That's all I am to you, isn't it? Your _Mudblood_ girlfriend…" There are tears pricking at her eyes, but she won't let them fall. She's not going to cry, not in front of Severus.

"I didn't mean it," he says hastily. "I just —"

"Stop," Lily says. "I don't want to hear anything."

She turns on her heel and walks away, blinking hard and thinking, _No, don't cry, you're not going to cry, don't let it get to you…_

Lily's not as sad as she thought she would be. She's _angry._ Angry that Sev can do this to her, angry that he called her a Mudblood, angry that his friends take priority over her, angry that _everyone was right about him_ when they said he was no good, that her friends' stares when they saw Sev hanging with the wrong crowd were well-intentioned.

Lily wants to make Severus angry. Lily wants Severus to hurt the way she is.

She stalks into the empty common room — it's still lunch, after all, and no one should be here. Lily's planning on going to the shower and crying out her frustration until she sees the head of black hair on one of the couches.

What's Potter doing here? He should be out at lunch.

"Oh, hello, Lily," he says brightly, smiling at her. (Lily misses smiles.) She notices him put down a book (she didn't know he reads), though the title isn't visible from her point in the distance.

Potter approaches her, but blanches when he sees her. She must be a sight, red faced and on the verge of tears.

"Are you alright?" he asks, genuine concern in his eyes. The way it's been there all these years, she now realizes. The way it appears when Remus is tired, when Sirius gets into trouble, when Peter can't figure out his homework. The way Severus's hasn't been for so long now.

All Lily feels is anger. No, she's not okay. She wants Severus to hurt. She wants him to feel like she does now. She wants —

Lily narrows her eyes, then squares her jaw and pushes James Potter toward her. She gives him a moment to move away if he wants to, to push her away or hesitate. His eyes are wide, but he grasps at her hips, and after a moment, she summons her courage and kisses him cleanly on the lips. It's confusing and not one of her better kisses, but he kisses her back like he cares. Kisses her back like she matters.

. . .

"What was that about?" he asks her later.

Lily hadn't expected to like the kiss. She'd expected to just kiss him — use him, if she's being honest, but she hasn't been for so long that what does it matter — and let word get out to Sev and make him mad enough to miss her. She hadn't expected James Potter to be such a good kisser, and she hadn't expected for it to last for so long.

She stands stock-still, collecting her thoughts as she realizes just how fucked she is.

"I fought with Sev," she explains finally. "And I wanted to make him angry."

"So I was the best option?" asks Potter. He looks a little hurt, but he's nodding as if it makes sense that she'd act as though he was nothing more than a tool, a means to an end. A sudden wave of guilt overtakes her, and she swallows it down.

Still, she liked kissing him a little _too_ much for it to be just a part of her plan.

This has to stay a secret.

(...She's already kissed him once. She may as well do it again. Sev will never have to know.)

. . .

Severus apologizes and he looks really sorry, and he's genuinely feeling something for once, so Lily forgives him. This is Sev, after all. Her best friend.

"I'm really, really sorry, I wasn't thinking," he tells her. "Lily, I just — I've been —"

"Sev," she says, "it's okay. Really." She smiles to prove her point. "It's fine. I get it. Stress."

(She meets James Potter in the broom closet that night. She hates herself for it, but she goes back the next night anyway.)

. . .

Lily doesn't know why she does it. She keeps going back to Potter, she keeps letting him lure her in, and she keeps falling for him, hook, line, and sinker.

She can't even bring herself to feel guilty anymore. It's just stress reduction.

(It's cheating. She knows it. She won't admit it.)

The worst part is Potter isn't even an arse when you get to know him. He's funny. He smiles a lot. And he's mellowed out — because he's older, she hopes, but somehow knows that it's because of the things he understands about her — he doesn't bully people anymore. She did that, a dark corner of her knows. She never even told him to, but he did anyway. She doesn't know if she likes that or not, having that much power over a person.

James has too much power over her. He's gone from Potter to James and from annoying to endearing, and she's scared of it. She's scared of what she's feeling for him, of how much she likes his smile, of how things might go wrong. Will go wrong.

And Sev. Things with him have practically fallen down the drain. He's distancing from her, and she lets him because she just can't bring herself to care anymore. After the Mudblood incident — which she _has_ forgiven him for, she has, she has, she has, except the words don't seem real anymore and neither do the feelings — she just doesn't think she can trust him.

Everything is so different, when all she's ever wanted was for things to stay the same. She doesn't know what to do, but she does know that the only person who makes her feel confident anymore is James, knows that the only times when she's herself are their increasingly frequent meetings in closets and empty classrooms.

If it's wrong, Lily wonders, then how can it feel so right?

. . .

Of all the things Sev notices, he notices her distance. Lily knows that he would eventually, but it's been three months since she first started formally cheating on him and it's taken him until now to notice that she's been _distant._ It would have made her mad, once, before she gave up. Now she's just sad.

 _James would've noticed,_ she thinks. _James would've cared._

"I'm worried about you, Lily."

"I'm alright."

"Really? You seem a little — out of sorts."

"Everything's fine, Severus, I promise."

She hates herself. She hates Severus more.

"...If you say so."

. . .

"You're getting a lot closer to James Potter, aren't you?" Severus notes. It's been more than four months. Lily doesn't know why she's still dating him. Lily doesn't know why she's doing anything anymore, doesn't know why she's hiding her feelings for James, doesn't know why James doesn't want more from her than their illicit interactions.

"He's not so bad when you get to know him," she says.

"So you're getting to know him?" Severus asks cautiously.

"Don't sound so moody, Sev, it's nothing."

"It doesn't seem like nothing, Lily," he says. "You've been distant, and now you're such good friends with James Potter, and I don't know what to think about all this."

Lily thinks about telling him the truth. That she likes James. That she doesn't want to be with Severus anymore.

She's still here, she knows, because she's scared, too scared to admit that her life has changed irreversibly from what it was when they were thirteen. Lily's been too scared for too long, and she thinks that she's done with it at last.

"The truth is, Sev, I don't think we should date."

She tells him the truth. It sets her free. It breaks him.

. . .

He takes her out to Hogsmeade on their first date together. For some reason, she likes it better than her first time there.

. . .

"Are you sure, Severus?"

"I'm sure."

A smirk. "Well then, Sev, welcome to the Death Eaters. We'll show you to the Dark Lord."


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n: i went wayyy over the word count on the QLFC entry and had to cut some things out, but i didn't want it to go unpublished so here's the longer version!**

. . .

At first, things are something like happy.

Once, Petunia was acting all sanctimonious about her grades and how they were better than Lily's, and Lily had thought, _Oh, would you shut up?_ And she had. Petunia's mouth had closed itself and Lily'd thought, _Wait, no, I don't want her to never talk!_ and Petunia could speak again, but she'd flapped her mouth up and down like a fish, speechless.

None of the other kids can do that — not to Lily's knowledge, at least.

Sev explains everything. He tells her that they have magic, that he's a wizard and she's a witch, and that when they turn eleven they'll go off to school to learn how to use their gifts.

Gifts, he calls them. Not curses, not abilities. _Gifts._ It makes Lily smile. Severus doesn't watch her warily the way Petunia does. He's not like her parents either, who aren't wary of her but who shoot her worried glances sometimes when they think she's not looking. Lily doesn't think that they're scared _of_ her, exactly — more like they're scared of what her magic means for them all.

She doesn't blame anyone for their thoughts. Lily is different, after all.

 _Special,_ Severus reassures her. Not like the rest. Magical.

 _Freak,_ Petunia says in the silence of their home. Not like the rest. Unnatural.

Lily's happier than she should be when the letter comes. Sev leads her down Diagon Alley as her parents and Petunia trail behind them, awed and confused. He takes her to Flourish and Blotts and to Ollivander's and they get ice cream after. It's comforting to know that Severus is there to lead the way for her, to guide her through a world she doesn't know how to navigate. She likes the feeling of that — the having someone.

Soon enough, the summer's over. She feels bad for the way that she barely spares a glance for her family as Severus explains the barrier at King's Cross to her. At the threshold of Platform 9 ¾, she watches them for a second — two, maybe — and then Severus, beside her, tugs at her arm and says, "We should get to the train," and it's not reluctant at all when Lily tears her gaze from her parents.

Lily dissipates into the wall. She faces her future. Severus's hand is clasped tight in hers as they look at the Hogwarts Express for the first time.

. . .

Lily and Severus get Sorted into different Houses. Sev goes into Slytherin, the House of the snake, the House of the cunning and ambitious. The theoretical description of Slytherin fits him well, but she's a little worried about the practical: most of the upperclassmen at the table look shrewd, have narrow slits for eyes, and sneers to boot. She doesn't want to imagine the Severus that had held her hand tightly in Diagon Alley trying to survive in that house. She's not sure if he could.

Lily makes it into the lion's House: Gryffindor. She's not sure what that's supposed to say about her. She isn't some brave soul — at least, she doesn't think so. If she were brave, she would tell her parents that she's still Lily, no matter how much magic she was born with. If she were brave, she would tell Petunia that she doesn't want them to fight. But she lets these things go unsaid. They're too difficult to speak, too much to articulate.

The people in her house seem nice enough, but there are some people she can identify as _trouble_ right away. There's a boy with messy black hair and round glasses — his name is James Potter — and he's a git. That's all there really is to it. He mocked Severus on the train because his clothes were too raggedy. Lily had stared at him, this boy who looks like he's never even at a price tag in his life, criticizing her best friend for something beyond his control. Needless to say, she's not a fan.

His friend, Sirius Black, has an aristocratic nose with a bend that makes it seem as if he's looking for trouble, and much-too-long hair that falls in his eyes. His mischievous expression just doesn't seem like it can go away. He has an annoying laugh, and he'd used it at Sev.

Lily doesn't like those two. _Boys,_ she thinks with a roll of her eyes. It's as if they're entitled to be disgusting pigs.

When the prefects lead them back to the common room, James Potter, for some reason, grins at her as he walks up the staircase. She sneers back.

. . .

Lily and Severus share Charms, Transfiguration, and Potions classes, and naturally they're the only two of the rivalling Gryffindors and Slytherins to willingly sit with each other. It gets them some looks and narrowed eyes, but eventually everything settles down into a sort of routine and people just accept it.

Sev is good at magic. Really good. When he's working with Charms, he raises his wand and speaks with precision, sharp and graceful and awe-inspiring. He's not as good at Transfiguration, but it's a sight to behold when his brow furrows and he's concentrating, and Lily can hear him murmuring _Get this right_ softly under his breath.

Potions, though, is his strongest suit. Sev is made of magic itself when he works with a cauldron and the flames licking the bottom of it illuminate his face, when he stirs a potion with that grace he holds during Charms class, when his hook nose is bent down at his work, the utmost expression of concentration on his face — Sev is _fixated_. It's beautiful.

Lily's never been able to focus like that. She just tries to get through every assignment. She does her work and makes sure to do it well (and Slughorn takes a shine to it), but she's not devoted to her studies the way Sev is.

He mesmerizes Lily. Lily just wants to entrance someone like that, too.

. . .

It's third year when Lily starts dating Severus. Initially it starts as kind of a joke. Her friends — Mary mostly, but also sometimes Darlene — have started teasing her about not having a boyfriend yet, and it's not only annoying but also repetitive to have to explain to them over and over again that she has better things to do.

"It'd be easier if you had a boyfriend," Sev tells her one day, and his tone is wry and mocking, but Lily considers it.

"It would be, wouldn't it?"

Sev looks at her incredulously for even entertaining the idea. "Who would you even date?"

The answer is obvious. Sev, of course, with his focus and mesmerizing concentration, with his grace and his beautiful long hair. Sev, who would know her boundaries, Sev who —

 _Oh,_ she realizes with a sudden start. _I — I want this. I want him._

Her awe for Severus… she doesn't just feel that with anyone. No one makes her _feel_ like Severus does. And she would like to have something with him, something _real…_

She leans in and presses her lips to his. Sev is astonished for a moment, still under her touch, and then he's kissing firmly back.

. . .

When Lily and Sev go to Hogsmeade for the first time, it's on a date. He takes her to get ice cream and reluctantly tries to get them into Madam Puddifoot's, but Lily laughs and steers him back to Honeydukes. She's touched that he'd want to set foot in that kind of place for her, but they don't belong there.

"This was nice, Sev," she tells him. He's smiling, small and content, and Lily wants to keep that smile on his face for a long time — he does it so rarely.

"Yeah," he says. "It was."

She notes James Potter looking at her after, face tilted curiously. She ignores him.

. . .

The years pass by. James Potter gets taller and fitter, and Lily tries not to notice that Severus has only gotten more angry.

He's made new friends as well. Some boy from his House named Avery. Lily thinks it's nice that Sev's making friends in his House, but Avery's weedy and has a distinctly untrustworthy smirk.

Sev's hair is greasy now, and his concentration is of an angry sort, the kind that makes Lily want to grab at her own wand, and he's not the smiling boy he used to be. Lily once lived for Sev's smiles, rare but happy, and now they're gone altogether.

Lily misses it. She misses the way they used to be.

James Potter has picked up on it, somehow. He tries to get her attention, one day after Charms,, asking, "Evans, no offense, but are you… happy with him? Is he — I dunno, is he hurting you?"

Lily's face burns at the insinuation, at the idea that Sev would ever do that to her. She spins on her heel, narrowly avoids cursing Potter outright, and in the end settles for telling him, in a voice that really should be firmer, that she and Sev are perfectly happy together. What does it matter to him anyway?

Lily just wants things to be the way they were — peaceful. She remembers smiles, but she doesn't see them anymore. And maybe that's the worst part of it all.

. . .

Things come to a head eventually. Lily should have seen it coming. She probably had, and, like a fool, elected to ignore it.

Sev's been hanging out with Avery and now other friends, like a boy named Mulciber, and she might've seen him skulking around Regulus Black. He doesn't talk to her anymore, and when he does, his tone is always short and acerbic. Lily feels like if she presses him too hard, he'll snap, and all the debris will fall on her.

But they have a Hogsmeade date planned tomorrow, which means that Sev still cares. Sev isn't like those heartless Slytherin boys. Sev's better, Sev understands her, he's still Severus despite it all. And he might not smile like he used to or kiss her cheek or look at her with barely concealed adoration, but people change, right? Sev's just more apathetic these days. And he's been getting less sleep, because the O.W.L. exams are coming up and workloads are heavy, not to mention stress levels…

Everything will be okay, she tells herself.

It's not.

Outside the library at lunch, where they usually meet after having eaten, Severus approaches her with lips thinned into one straight line.

"Lily," he starts, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel on our date."

Her heart sinks down to her stomach. Lily swallows down her nerves and feelings and asks, "Why?" because Sev has to have a reason. A good one.

"Avery and Mulciber want me to —"

"What?" Lily interrupts him. "Avery and Mulciber?" A surge of anger rushes through her: suddenly, unexpectedly, and forcefully. How dare Sev prioritize them over her — the way he's been doing for _months_ — on the one day that was supposed to be theirs? Lily doesn't know how long she's been looking forward to this, and Sev is just going to cancel on her for _Avery and Mulciber?_

"Yes," says Severus calmly, as though oblivious to the rage stirring inside her. "I'm really sorry about this, but it's rather important —"

"Oh, yes," Lily sneers, "your initiation into the Death Eaters is _very important!_ Are you dating me or Avery? Why is it always them over me? I've been looking forward to our date for who knows how long, only for you to ditch me like this? Sev, we're in a _relationship._ Sometimes you have to think of me! These are things you do!" she shouts, white-hot anger searing her words.

Now it's Sev's turn to sneer. "Lily, you're being selfish," he says. "I have to work with them, and it's —"

"Important, yes, I know." Lily scowls bitterly. "Am I the only thing not important to you? Why does it seem like you don't want me? I feel like I'm just standing on the sidelines of your life. Why are you so hellbent on forgetting me?"

"Lily, don't be unreasonable —"

"And if I try to say anything to you, it's unreasonable! I'm selfish, I'm emotional, I'm not good enough, I'm always at fault, because you can't do anything wrong, can you, Severus?"

"It's just that you're a Mudblood —"

Severus catches himself before he can say any more, but the damage is done.

"Mudblood," Lily repeats, laughing scornfully. "That's all I am to you, isn't it? Your _Mudblood_ girlfriend…" There are tears pricking at her eyes, but she won't let them fall. She's not going to cry, not in front of Severus.

"I didn't mean it," he says hastily. "I just —"

"Stop," Lily says. "I don't want to hear anything."

She turns on her heel and walks away, blinking hard and thinking, _No, don't cry, you're not going to cry, don't let it get to you…_

Lily's not as sad as she thought she would be. She's _angry._ Angry that Sev can do this to her, angry that he called her a Mudblood, angry that his friends take priority over her, angry that _everyone was right about him_ when they said he was no good, that her friends' stares when they saw Sev hanging with the wrong crowd were well-intentioned.

Lily wants to make Severus angry. Lily wants Severus to hurt the way she is.

She stalks into the empty common room — it's still lunch, after all, and no one should be here. Lily's planning on going to the shower and crying out her frustration until she sees the head of black hair on one of the couches.

What's Potter doing here? He should be out at lunch.

"Oh, hello, Lily," he says brightly, smiling at her. (Lily misses smiles.) She notices him put down a book (she doesn't know he reads), though the title isn't visible from her point in the distance.

Potter approaches her, but blanches when he sees her. She must be a sight, red faced and on the verge of tears.

"Are you alright?" he asks, genuine concern in his eyes. The way it's been there all these years, she now realizes. The way it appears when Remus is tired, when Sirius gets into trouble, when Peter can't figure out his homework. The way Severus's hasn't been for so long now.

All Lily feels is anger. No, she's not okay. She wants Severus to hurt. She wants him to feel like she does now. She wants —

Lily narrows her eyes, then squares her jaw and pushes James Potter toward her. She gives him a moment to move away if he wants to, to push her away or hesitate. His eyes are wide, but he grasps at her hips, and after a moment, she summons her courage and kisses him cleanly on the lips. It's confusing and not one of her better kisses, but he kisses her back like he cares. Kisses her back like she matters.

. . .

"What was that about?" he asks her later.

Lily hadn't expected to like the kiss. She'd expected to just kiss him — use him, if she's being honest, but she hasn't been for so long that what does it matter — and let word get out to Sev and make him mad enough to miss her. She hadn't expected James Potter to be such a good kisser, and she hadn't expected for it to last for so long.

She stands stock-still, collecting her thoughts as she realizes just how fucked she is.

"I fought with Sev," she explains finally. "And I wanted to make him angry."

"So I was the best option?" asks Potter. He looks a little hurt, but he's nodding as if it makes sense that she'd act as though he was nothing more than a tool, a means to an end. A sudden wave of guilt overtakes her, and she swallows it down.

Still, she liked kissing him a little _too_ much for it to be just a part of her plan.

This has to stay a secret.

(...She's already kissed him once. She may as well do it again. Sev will never have to know.)

. . .

Severus apologizes and he looks really sorry, and he's genuinely feeling something for once, so Lily forgives him. This is Sev, after all. Her best friend.

"I'm really, really sorry, I wasn't thinking," he tells her. "Lily, I just — I've been —"

"Sev," she says, "it's okay. Really." She smiles to prove her point. "It's fine. I get it. Stress."

(She meets James Potter in the broom closet that night. She hates herself for it, but she goes back the next night anyway.)

. . .

Lily doesn't know why she does it. She keeps going back to Potter, she keeps letting him lure her in, and she keeps falling for him, hook, line, and sinker.

She can't even bring herself to feel guilty anymore. It's just stress reduction.

(It's cheating. She knows it. She won't admit it.)

The worst part is Potter isn't even an arse when you get to know him. He's funny. He smiles a lot. And he's mellowed out — because he's older, she hopes, but somehow knows that it's because of the things he understands about her — he doesn't bully people anymore. She did that, a dark corner of her knows. She never even told him to, but he did anyway. She doesn't know if she likes that or not, having that much power over a person.

James has too much power over her. He's gone from Potter to James and from annoying to endearing, and she's scared of it. She's scared of what she's feeling for him, of how much she likes his smile, of how things might go wrong. Will go wrong.

And Sev. Things with him have practically fallen down the drain. He's distancing from her, and she lets him because she just can't bring herself to care anymore. After the Mudblood incident — which she _has_ forgiven him for, she has, she has, she has, except the words don't seem real anymore and neither do the feelings — she just doesn't think she can trust him.

Everything is so different, when all she's ever wanted was for things to stay the same. She doesn't know what to do, but she does know that the only person who makes her feel confident anymore is James, knows that the only times when she's herself are their increasingly frequent meetings in closets and empty classrooms.

If it's wrong, Lily wonders, then how can it feel so right?

. . .

Of all the things Sev notices, he notices her distance. Lily knows that he would eventually, but it's been three months since she first started formally cheating on him and it's taken him until now to notice that she's been _distant._ It would have made her mad, once, before she gave up. Now she's just sad.

 _James would've noticed,_ she thinks. _James would've cared._

"I'm worried about you, Lily."

"I'm alright."

"Really? You seem a little — out of sorts."

"Everything's fine, Severus, I promise."

She hates herself. She hates Severus more.

"...If you say so."

. . .

"You're getting a lot closer to James Potter, aren't you?" Severus notes. It's been more than four months. Lily doesn't know why she's still dating him. Lily doesn't know why she's doing anything anymore, doesn't know why she's hiding her feelings for James, doesn't know why James doesn't want more from her than their illicit interactions.

"He's not so bad when you get to know him," she says.

"So you're getting to know him?" Severus asks cautiously.

"Don't sound so moody, Sev, it's nothing."

"It doesn't seem like nothing, Lily," he says. "You've been distant, and now you're such good friends with James Potter, and I don't know what to think about all this."

Lily thinks about telling him the truth. That she likes James. That she doesn't want to be with Severus anymore.

She's still here, she knows, because she's scared, too scared to admit that her life has changed irreversibly from what it was when they were thirteen. Lily's been too scared for too long, and she thinks that she's done with it at last.

"The truth is, Sev, I don't think we should date."

She tells him the truth. It sets her free. It breaks him.

. . .

He takes her out to Hogsmeade on their first date together. For some reason, she likes it better than the first time.

. . .

"Are you sure, Severus?"

"I'm sure."

A smirk. "Well then, Sev, welcome to the Death Eaters. We'll show you to the Dark Lord."


End file.
